


Innocence and Ignorance

by theragingstorm



Category: Frozen (2013)
Genre: Apparently i'm a sadist, F/M, Mild Sexual Content, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-06
Updated: 2015-03-06
Packaged: 2018-03-16 13:08:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3489380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theragingstorm/pseuds/theragingstorm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All Kristoff and Anna wanted was some intimate time to themselves. They did NOT sign up for the nosy snowman.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Innocence and Ignorance

**Author's Note:**

> Based on this: http://textsfromdisneyprincesses.tk/post/111407241698/this-should-be-the-plot-of-frozen-fever

The last of Anna's clothing finally ripped off, and pooled around her ankles. She kicked her dress away and lay back on her bed, letting Kristoff's eyes linger on her bare body. Another flush of heat rushed through her body.

"What are you waiting for?" she panted, reaching up and grabbing his hair. She pulled him down on top of her, and the familiar hot stiffness pressed up roughly against her thigh.

"That," he hissed in her ear.

She sucked in a breath. Kristoff pulled himself up and positioned himself above her.

"You ready?"

" _Yes._ "

With one quick, deft movement, he slid into her. Anna's eyes rolled back in her head and she wrapped her legs around his waist.

He built up his pace. Rain pounded on the windows, thunder boomed and rolled across the dark sky outside. Their hands sought one another in the lightless room, and their fingers interlocked even as they rocked against each other with enough force to see stars.

Anna whimpered in delight, and Kristoff groaned as he continued to thrust into her...

Right before there was an abrupt knock on the door.

"Hellooooo?" came a cheerful voice. "Anna? Are you in there?"

Anna and Kristoff froze, their eyes wide.

"What do I do?"

"Just pretend you're not here."

"I'm not here!" she blurted, loudly and rather impulsively.

"Really?" Olaf sounded confused. "But if you're not here, then who am I talking to?" He suddenly gasped. "Are you a phantom?"

Anna exhaled sharply, and fidgeted. It was pretty hard to be comfortable talking to Olaf in the position she was currently in. It reminded her of the time when she was eleven and had to go to confessions after accidentally tossing a tortoise against some of the church's icons. But in her defense, all those pictures of martyrs dying horribly had really bummed her out.

"Olaf, honey, why are you even here?"

"I don't like thunderstorms, and Elsa's busy writing some stuff. Did you know that she's already learned the numbers of the alphabet all by herself?"

"Can this be hurried up?" Kristoff hissed through gritted teeth. His face was turning red, and Anna could feel an odd irregular pulsing against her that couldn't be fun for him.

"Yeah Olaf, but why are you here?"

"To get away from the thunderstorms. I wanna come in and stay with you tonight. I love sleepovers!"

"NO!" Anna screamed with more force than she'd intended. Kristoff winced. "Um, I mean...I'm busy too."

"With what kind of stuff?"

"Really. Important. Stuff. I'll tell you when you're older, okay?"

"Oh. Okay. Bye-bye!" The floorboards outside creaked as small feet walked off on them.

Anna and Kristoff looked at each other.

"Think that we can get the mood back?"

"Are you kidding?"

Soon, their lips and bodies were pressed together again, their legs twined around each others' waists. Anna let out a little groan or shriek with every thrust, deep, deep inside her.

They lost themselves in pleasure, oblivious to the small footsteps coming back outside again. The door hinges creaked open inquisitively, and the floorboards echoed the sound. While this was happening, Kristoff and Anna panted like animals and moved harder against each other. So close now...just a little more...

"Wow, what are you guys _doing?_ "

Anna suddenly came face-to-face with a bucktoothed grin, wide snow-eyeballs, and a long carrot nose. Both she and Kristoff screamed, their heads abruptly clonking together. Yelling and clutching her forehead, Anna thwacked her boyfriend with a pillow so hard he nearly rolled off the bed.

"Ooh, and why--" The face moved closer so that a few snowflakes from his flurry cloud dusted Anna's bare clavicle, "does Kristoff have a hot dog down there?"

"WHAT!?" both of them shrieked.

"How did he get it to stay there? And why--" For the first time since the eternal winter, Anna felt the urge to kick Olaf's head off, "--was he hitting you with it?"

"Hitting...her...with...it," poor Kristoff repeated, dumbfounded.

Anna threw her head back to the ceiling and howled, " _OLAAAAAAAFFFFF!_ "

 

Since Elsa had indeed learned all the numbers of the alphabet, she let her body relax to the rumbling thunder as she finished up a letter to Queen Victoria that said: yes, this is how I like to dress even with the leg slits and tight bodices, no, I would not like fashion advice but thank you anyway, and yes, we are very much amused.

She was just signing her name at the bottom of the letter when Olaf burst into her study.

"Elsa! Elsa! Guess what!"

She yelped and dropped a blob of ink over her last name, so that the signature read _Queen Elsa ******** of Arendelle._

"I just saw something crazy!"

Elsa had to resist the urge to roll her eyes. If Olaf hadn't seen something crazy, it wasn't a Tuesday.

"Yes? What was it?" she asked absently, examining the ink blob on her letter. "

Kristoff keeps a hot dog in his pants!"

Elsa dropped her letter and gaped at him. "Olaf...?"

"He was hitting Anna with it!"

"Wait, what?" she said, still uncomprehending. "A hot dog?"

"In his pants!" Olaf repeated for better emphasis. "And Anna was making weird noises. I think she was trying to imitate Sven!"

The penny finally dropped, and so did Elsa's jaw. "Oh my God."

"Yeah, it was weird. And Anna wasn't even doing a good Sven imitation either, it was too -- hey Elsa? Elsa? Did you go to sleep? It's not even your bedtime yet!"

 

Kristoff and Anna sat on opposite sides of the bed, clutching pillows to their chests and staring at each other in a state of shock. That is, until Anna finally spoke up.

"Well, there is one bright side to this."

"There is definitely no bright side to this."

"At least no one _else_ knows about what happened."

 

Before that night, Olaf had had no idea how good he was at making people go to sleep. By now, he'd made Elsa, Gerda, three maids, one cook, and one stable boy go to sleep (the stable boy had run out of air after laughing too hard).

It was a pretty handy thing to be able to do. But Olaf still didn't know why Kristoff and Anna would do something so silly.

The little snowman waddled out towards the castle gates, ignoring the rain. The usual guards were posted there, getting completely drenched and bickering like an old married couple...hey, maybe they could help!

"I'm gonna put money on a royal proposal within the next three months," the shorter one with dark brown hair declared proudly.

"Joseff," sighed his taller redheaded companion, "I think that you need a hobby."

"But Johannes, I already _have_ a hobby."

"Obsessing over a couple and having creepy fantasies about them is _not_ a good hobby."

"Says who?"

"Hey guys," Olaf interrupted as he came over, "can you answer my question? No one else can."

"Well, we can try." For reasons that Olaf didn't understand, Johannes seemed relieved to stop talking to Joseff. So he told them both everything, just like he'd told the people before them.

"--and I don't know why Kristoff and Anna would do something so silly," he finished.

Johannes didn't go to sleep, but he looked like he wanted to.

" _Hot dog?_ " he repeated faintly.

"Don't you understand Norwegian?" Joseff managed to get out between giggles.

" _Why_ did I ever want to take this job..."

Olaf was disappointed in the fact that neither of them answered him. Oh well. He was just going to have to ask some more people.

 

The next day, Kristoff and Anna started to go about their normal business and tried to pretend the previous night hadn't happened. Both of them managed not to notice everyone else's scandalized looks and snickers, even when Elsa called Kristoff into her study for a "chat."

"What could she want to talk to me about?"

"I dunno. Maybe this is about her missing _flagendorfer,_ or the fact that Marshmallow wants to wear women's clothing, or the frogs I accidentally let into the toilet."

"So...what you're saying is that there are now a bunch of frogs swimming around under my--"

"The point is, it's probably nothing. Just chill already. Eheheh. Sorry. Bad pun. Try not to actually chill."

When Kristoff pushed open the door to her study, Elsa was already sitting at her desk. Her bare hands were folded neatly on the top of the desk, and her face was carefully blank. Nervously, he took the seat across from her.

"Kristoff," she greeted him.

"Elsa...?"

Her hands hit the top of the desk with a loud _SLAM!_ that sprayed frost and bits of ice everywhere. "YOU HAD BETTER BE USING THAT PROTECTION WE GOT, YOUNG MAN!"

It took him only a second to understand.

"Elsa, I am so sorry!" he babbled. "Yes, we're using her protection, oh gods please don't kill me."

"I'm not going to kill _you,_ " Elsa growled, sinking back into her seat. "I was only going to kill _you_ if you weren't using protection."

"Uh, thanks...?"

"I'm actually not mad at you and Anna. I'm mad because now the whole castle knows, and probably the whole town too at this point. So much for keeping your intimacy a secret, then."

"How did they...WHERE THE HELL IS OLAF!?"

"You said a bad word!" came the voice from the other side of the door.

Elsa groaned. "Olaf, could you come in here for a minute?"

He skipped inside with his usual beam on his face. His flurry cloud was happily shedding snow all over the expensive carpet.

"Yeah Elsa? Why is Kristoff so mad? Does he need a hug? Does he still have the hot dog in his pants?"

If looks could kill.

"Olaf, I think that you and I need to have a talk about keeping other people's secrets. Kristoff, you can go now."

As Kristoff stormed out the door, the last thing he heard was, "No wonder he's mad if he has to keep a hot dog down there all the time."

"Yes, Olaf, about that..."

It didn't take long for Kristoff to find Anna again. She had been cornered by a pack of nosy servants, and trying to answer their questions as best she could with her scarlet face and stammering angrily.

"None of your business! Shut up! Ew. Is that even possible? I can still have Elsa execute you, you know!"

"Anna, maybe we should go," Kristoff interjected.

"Oooh, to do what?" Henrik the stable boy sing-songed.

"I think I know," giggled one of the cooks' assistants.

The couple gratefully ran off back to Anna's room, and sat down on her bed. There was a long pause, with Kristoff laying on his back and staring at the ceiling while Anna examined her feet and toyed with her fingernails.

"Well..."

"Do you have anything positive to say now, Anna?"

"I do actually."

"Really? How can you possibly find anything good about this situation? We've been caught in an intimate moment by a snowman with the mentality of a five-year-old, had said snowman tell the whole damn kingdom about it, and then I got humiliated in front of your sister. How is there any bright side in any of that?"

"Well, I was thinking that we don't have to be quiet anymore."

"Oh my gods."

 

\--Fin--


End file.
